A Fallen Love.

Now that I am no longer grieving the loss of a relationship that I once thought to be perfect, I can sit back and see my situation through new eyes. The eyes of the old me, the part of me that I lost when I entered into my ill fated union. Although he has caused me to suffer something awful, and caused me more pain than I have ever known, I am still thankful for the experience because I learned things about myself that I would not have otherwise known. For one, that I am much less selfish than I thought. I used to worry that I would never be able to love someone as much as I did him, that I was too selfish to consider the needs and wants of someone else before my own. It made me question my future abilities to be a future wife and mother. Would I ever know truly what sacrifice of self was? Well now I do, because I loved him with ever fiber of my body, every beat of my heart and each piece of my soul. There was nothing that I wouldn't do to see him smile and keep him happy. I bent over backwards to make sure that every thing he needed was taken care of and I catered to his every desire. I totally threw out all notions that I'd ever had of love before I met him.

I was completely taken by his charm and sweetness, so taken that I couldn't see the darker side at first. I ignored the signs that something was not right, and I believed him when he told me he'd love me forever. How naiive we can be. The only thing I ever asked of him was that should his heart ever change and he didn't love me the same way, that he tell me so that I could move on and neither of us waste any more time. I put up with constant calls and texts from his ex who he claims is crazy , and although she may be a little off the rocker looking at it now I can see that some of the things he said of her just simply isn't true. I was the ever patient and loving girlfriend. I carried the burdens of his problems on my already laden shoulders. Every argument ended in tears, mine of pain and his of rage and each time he'd end up crying in my lap begging me to forgive him and not to leave him. Him telling me he needed me and cherished my love and asking me not to give up on him. Where he was weak I was strong I held our fragile relationship together with the hope that time would heal our wounds.

When I found out that he cheated on me the thing that upset me the most was that he violated the only thing I'd ever asked of him. To break up with me before he ever laid hands or heart on another woman. Poised to walk out the door for good that night he dropped to his knees with tears streaming down his handsome face asking me for my hand. He told me then that he did not know why he had done what he did, that he did not love this other woman and that the stress of his life had him caught up. He told me that I was the only one he loved and wanted to marry me and give me children. I loved him so much that I said yes. I accepted, I believed that this time he was sincere. After the fact I found out that the very day after his proposal he was on the phone with this other woman again. Spending hours at a time talking to her. He said she refused to talk to him, that he couldn't even reach her to tell her that it was over and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I am two years older than his 22 years yet still so inexperienced and trusting. I believed him. Things were strained leading up to the time he was to leave for the weekend but up until that day I dropped him at the airport I had trust in him and faith in our relationship. I hugged his father good bye and kissed him and wished him luck and watched him in effect walk out of my life forever. We barely spoke that whole weekend and he found little things to argue with me about. While he was gone I found phone records and messages that proved my biggest fear, yes he was still talking to this female, excessively. When confronted he refused to talk about it and said that we would deal with it when he got home , so I waited with fear heavy in my heart. The day he touched vegas soil again I would not take no for an answer when he asked if we could deal with this when his father went home. Yes… he admitted he was still with this other girl and he decided that he wanted to be with her. My tears ran heavy and my cries were loud enough for the neighbors to hear. I was not crying because I did not want to lose him, I was crying from the pain of his betrayal and my own naievity.

If that is not bad the worse part is in the following days he called and called and we talked and he begged me not to disappear from his life, saying he still needed me and that he knew he had made the wrong decision. I allowed him to string me on for days and even weeks before I grew tired and weak. I felt bad for his new girlfriend, even though she had known about me when they got together because I know how strong his charm can be. I didn't blame her for seeing the same things in this man that I did. My breaking point came when I realized I still lay in the bed that he now shares with her that he was still kissing me with the same lips. I felt cheaper than ever in that moment. We agreed to work on a platonic friendship but he still raged with jealousy when confronted by the fact that someday soon I would be dating again. That subject brought out the beast in him and he threatened the lives of any future lovers. He is so fragile and unstable that I tried every thing I could to keep the peace with him until the day he went off when I didn't answer my phone and demanded that I allow him to read my emails. "if you have nothing to hide, then whats the problem?" he repeated over and over. No matter how much I reminded him that I am no longer his to claim and "protect". He said then that he still loved me like I was his and that would never change. I finally gave into my gut feeling and told him that I was done, that I could go on like this no longer and I felt used and abused and I'd done all I could for him. He hung up with the promise to never call again. Its been three days and he hasn't called yet but I do believe that he will. But I learned that my concern for his safety and his feelings cost me the validity of mine. It was me who was betrayed lied to and cheated on yet I allowed him to make me feel guilty for not picking up his calls or no longer telling him that I loved him.

In the beginning I though the sting would never subside but it's been a month and it's fading. I still care for him and worry about him but I have decided I will no longer let him run my life and override my own safety and well being. I love myself too much for that. I realize that without self love I can not continue to love someone else. This relationship though brief was the hardest lesson in love that I ever learned and the lesson was this. Love takes time. Only time can reveal character flaws in a person and only with time can you know someone enough to know that they truly love you. I still give my trust but not without hesitation any more. I know that some day somebody will come to me with nothing but pure and true intentions I just pray to god that this has not shaded my view on the subject and that I will recognize love when it is before me. For now I am just thankful for the clarity this situation has afforded me.